BloodRayne: The Third Reich

BloodRayne: The Third ReichStarringNatassia MaltheMichael ParéBrendan Fletcher

Directed by: the notorious Uwe Boll

Year: 2010

Plot:  We can’t believe that we subjected ourselves to another Uwe Boll. We did so in public service, propelled by our civic duty, like Albert Hoffman who was the first man to synthesize LSD and test its effects on himself, so that you didn’t have to. The plot is as moronic as you’d expect from a movie based on second-rate computer game: it’s WWII, some people want Hitler dead, others want to make him into an immortal vampire. A half-bread vampire – heroine of the series, allies with some nondescript Eastern European partizans to fight the undead Nazis.

Pros: It allowed us to coin a theory that Uwe Boll is a pseudonym of a 8-year old son of a studio executive, and that making movies is his form of therapy after some horrific early-childhood trauma, potentially involving copious amounts of superglue.

Cons:  Throughout the 20 minutes, which we stood to watch, we were perplexed by one question: how is it possible? How is it possible for absolutely every element of a movie to go so wrong? How can script, score, acting, dialogue, special effects, make-up, costumes, cinematography and editing suck simultaneously and to such degree? Wait – is it some sort of postmodernist experiment with form? Are we being duped?

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